Don’t Argue About How Someone Feels

If you want to wreck a relationship, argue with someone about how they feel.

The second you tell someone they shouldn’t feel a certain way, you’ve lost them. They don’t suddenly feel different—they just stop trusting you.

That doesn't mean you have to agree with them, and it certainly doesn't mean you have to do what they want.

But if you dismiss their feelings as wrong, irrational, or unimportant, you’re not winning the argument -- you're wrrecking your relationship.

In business, this can destroy a partnership, or force agreement on a faulty premise.

In life, it can wreck a friendship.

What can you do instead?

-- First of all, acknowledge the feeling without surrendering to it.

 • “I hear you. If I were in your shoes, I might feel the same way.”
 • This isn’t agreement. It’s basic human respect.

-- Separate the emotion from the decision.

 • Feelings are real, but that doesn’t mean they always dictate the next move -- and that's true of their feelings AND yours.
 • A partner might feel cheated—but if those feelings are based on a misunderstanding or comes from bad information, you can correct the source of the feeling without delegitimizing it.

-- Don’t let emotions hijack the outcome.

 • Some decisions are right, even if they make people uncomfortable.
 • The key is to manage the emotions, not ignore them (and that's also true of their emotions AND yours).

Emotions drive business more than we admit. But if you can handle them with respect—without letting them run the show—you’ll make better decisions and build stronger partnerships.