The Calculus of Teams

If you’re on a team and doing calculus about your engagement, here’s some advice from Lucy and Jim.

Many years ago, I lived in California and had the absolute privilege of teaching music to a lady named Lucy Dunivan. I was twenty years old, 3000 miles from my family, and I became fast friends with Lucy and her husband Jim. They were both in their 80’s and had been married for over 60 years.

The Dunivans were the kind of people that left you better than they found you — just by being themselves. This was 43 years ago, and I still remember Lucy’s favorite song was “I Gave My Love a Cherry!”

When I was thinking about proposing to my girlfriend (now my wife), I mentioned it to Lucy and Jim. They smiled at each other and asked me to set some time aside after the next lesson to stay for dinner.

Over meat loaf and mashed potatoes, they sat me down for the talk.

The Dunivans advised me that if I loved her, I should marry her. Full stop. They also said to ignore all the nonsense about marriage being a 50/50 partnership — which surprised me at the time.

What they said was that marrriage is a 100/100 partnership. Then Jim, who was a machinist back in day said “I mean after all, if it was 50/50 and one of you could only bring 40% sometimes, what would happen?”

The best teams I’ve been on comprised people who gave it what they had. They didn’t hold back, and they didn’t jump through hoops to calculate cost/benefits.

Sadly, sometimes even 100% isn’t enough and marriages (and teams) fail.

Still, that advice stuck with me and has served me well over the years.

Being part of a team is still the most rewarding part of this work.